Here's hoping Marilyn Roddy lets me write her speeches and Mark Padgett buys me beers.
Let's get started.
Apparently Knoxville mayoral candidate Mark Padgett wants to meet for a cup of coffee or lunch. I told his spin doctors I'd be happy to meet him for lunch so he pay for my brew. I never heard back.
Anyhoo, by now everyone should know that Marilyn Roddy pulled out of the mayoral race and is now running for Jamie Woodson's state Senate seat because she's leaving. Whatever.
But, Padgett – who would probably send out a press release commenting on Ground Hog Day if given the chance – just had to respond.
Then, as I was writing this nonsense, I got a statement from Roddy. So, let's look at what they said and then I'll translate this (in bold) for you.
We'll start with Padgett:
“Marilyn Roddy is a dedicated public servant, and I wish her nothing but the best.” Thank God she's gone! Now maybe I have a shot!
“I’m 100 percent dedicated to strengthening Knoxville’s economy and quality of life.” I'll help the area by paying by business license on time.
“The next Mayor of Knoxville is going to need the skills and ability to support existing local businesses, create jobs, recruit new companies, bolster emerging industries like solar, strengthen our neighborhoods, and continue the progress of downtown.” I'm going to use fancy words and tell you nothing!
“As the only small business owner on the ballot, I’m uniquely qualified to move Knoxville forward into a world-class city with a great quality of life and booming economy.” Next year I won't forget to pay my business license, but in the meantime I'm not so sure Knoxville is a world-class city with a great quality of life and booming economy because if it was, then I wouldn't say we have to “move forward into” it.
“I would be honored to become the next Mayor of Knoxville, and I look forward to running a campaign focused on the future of Knoxville and the issues that matter most to our community.” Give me that fat paycheck and I promise you that I will no longer have volunteers weave in and out of traffic as they ride their bicycles down Gay Street toting a sign with my name on it and nearly causing you to crash your car because they're such a freakin' distraction.
Now for Roddy:
“Knox County is losing a great leader (in Jamie Woodson) and advocate in the State Senate.” Awesome, now maybe I got a shot at winning something.
“As an educator and conservative I feel that I am well positioned to carry on Jamie Woodson’s legacy.” Hey, teachers: You're screwed!
“The State Senate offers the best platform to achieve the education reform necessary to attract 21st century jobs to Tennessee and Knox County.” Last week I was building bridges to the 19th Century. This week I'll build them for the 21st Century. And next week, we'll move to the 22nd Century.
“I believe that at this point in time I can best serve the citizens of Knox County in the legislature.” I read Mike Donila's blog and he advised me not to use this tired, tired, tired line – but since he's voting for himself and not me – I'm going to use it anyway!